You're Not Alone

Not too many years ago I had a few dreams: sleeping in, a day to myself, quiet car rides, being able to pick my own TV show to watch, being able to listen to the music as loud as I want to...I've always been quite independent and so to be able to have some time to myself was extremely appealing.

There were a few years when life for me was really crazy; in one year, we bought a house and moved to a different town, I started school we got married and we had a baby.

I started school part-time 30 miles one direction from where we lived while I continued to work about 35 hours in a town about 30 miles the other direction. I worked two nights a week and Saturday's and on one of those days, I left my house in the morning to be at an 8:00 am class and then a couple of classes later, drove to my job and worked until 9:00 pm. It took me three years to get a 2-year degree.

If that wasn't enough; we had another baby during the time that I was in school-all part of the divine plan!

Life was so busy; my husband and I had six kids together and we weren't even 30 years old. At times, it felt like I was spinning out of control; I can remember wondering if I was ever going to have a clean house (I still do, by the way...) because of all the toys, dishes and little clothes that needed to be washed, folded and put away.

Fast forward to today.

Our oldest is now 23 and our youngest is 12; we also have a 14-year old at home so I have a lot responsibilities yet and they "need" me a great deal. But obviously, their need for me has changed over the years and I find myself with more free time to do the things that I enjoy.

On top of that, the church we attend made the decision a few years ago to build; so far, most of the labor has been donated by people within the church. Since my husband, Clint, is a contractor himself, he has been putting in a lot of time at the new building. Every Wednesday night and Saturday along with some Tuesday nights, almost without fail, you will find him at the new building along with some other faithful volunteers working hard to get the project completed. On top of that, there are times when he makes "runs" to Menards or Home Depot (he hates this I'm sure) to pick things up for the building project on additional nights.

More time for me.

I've always enjoyed my drive to and from work; 40 minutes of time to myself to listen to music or a podcast or just silence. It's been a bit of a sanctuary for me for a long time.

I love nature and especially lately with all the beautiful snow covering the ground and the frost on the trees. But I've noticed that with all the snow that everything in the countryside seems to alone; even alongside something else, a tree, a fence, a barn or a road seem secluded because of all the white snow.

I feel that way a lot lately; my drive to and from work seems lonely.
I miss having Clint around too; and it's taking it's toll.
The things I've enjoyed and depended on have "let me down" from relationships to my dreams to people to my job.

One thing that stays the same is my hope, Jesus Christ. Hebrews 13:8 says "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

(I tried adding a video and couldn't: if you want to watch it go to YouTube and search Meredith Andrews "You're Not Alone" - I couldn't even get the link to work...!)

The Greatest Gift Ever Given

Last night I talked to an old friend - really talked - about how things were going. Most of the time we just talk and don't talk about the real things of life, you know, the hard stuff. But last night was different.

She actually did most of the talking; it was a part of her I hadn't really seen before; vulnerable, broken, and sad. This old friend of mine did most of the talking and, once she started, it was like I wasn't even there.

Afterward, she gave me permission to share what she said here in my blog; and I'm not going to use her name since, if anyone still checks my blog (after months of me being gone) some of you locals will know her. Since I'm not a real writer, and I wasn't taking notes or recording it and I'm going to say that the following is mostly non-fiction because they are her words but may be slightly fiction (where I need to fill in the blanks):


It's been a long day;
a hard week;
a difficult month.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person struggling - but I know that can't be true. Yet I feel like I'm surrounded by people who don't have a clue how hard things are for me. I feel so alone in this life sometimes.

I left the office today with the intention of picking up just a few groceries: some potatoes and eggs and maybe just a few other things because I needed to put gas in the car too so that I could get back and forth to work - if I can't get back and forth to work, I can't make money and get paid. But as I walked through the store, I realized that I needed more things at home so that the kids could eat meals and my husband could keep packing lunches for work.

So, I stood there with a decision to make. Do I buy groceries or do I save the money to put gas in my car to get to and from work? I don't know for sure that it's a choice I'm going to have to make, but it's a possibility. Then what?

Obviously, I bought the groceries; I trust God to provide - not sure what it's going to look like at this point but I'm going to feed my family.

While I was in Wal-Mart I needed windshield washer fluid and then made my way to the groceries; so from one end of the store to the other. People were rushing by me - pushing, yelling at their kids, impatient with husbands and wives - while they held their shopping list and had their carts filled with toys, electronics and other things. All in the name of "merry Christmas" I suppose.

As crappy as I'm feeling, you can imagine how this makes my husband feel; last week he asked me if I still loved him and respected him as the provider of our family. Broke my heart! How do I make him understand that this doesn't change the way I look at him when I know, for a man, not being able to provide financially for his family cuts right to the core of him. You may as well cut off his man parts.

Of course I still love him and respect him - we're in this together; we'll go through this together and we'll get out of this together - whatever "get out of" looks like! Unfortunately, the reality is that we have a conversation daily about where the money is going to come from to pay for this and to pay for that...and this strong man is made to feel like a failure again. It's really hard on a marriage; because I know how hard this is for him, I try to keep these things to myself but then I feel even more alone and it's hard on a marriage too.

Then, in the middle of all this, everyone around me is all about Christmas - counting down days, talking about the good deal they got, the things they've already bought - and everyone running around with a list: things they need to do and gifts they need to buy yet.

I don't have a list this year. (Pause)

We haven't bought any gifts this year...and we're not sure we will. In all the years that we've been married, there have been times when we had to "finagle" to get Christmas gifts bought, but this year is different. Really different.

We're okay not giving gifts to each other - but we're having a hard time with the thought of not being able to give gifts to the kids. Christmas is a little more than a week away and we know "impossible" is not a word in God's vocabulary, but right now, possible just doesn't seem like one either.

We're also not going to be able to give a lot of other gifts we normally give - that's hard to swallow too. I guess when it comes down to it, it's pride. It's much easier to accept a gift from someone when you know you have one to give back. I know I'll be receiving gifts from some of my co-workers because it's a tradition, it's what we do. But this year I won't have one to give in return. I know they'll say it's okay but for me it's not and that's a part I'm having a hard time with too. If I'm a Christian why I am so caught up in not being able to give gifts rather than being focused on the greatest gift that's ever been given?


The conversation went on for a little while longer; but it has really stuck with me for a few reasons:

One of them I'm not going to point out.

Two, as a Christian I do profess the reason for the season but is that really my main focus? The other night on the radio I heard Dr. David Jeremiah talking about how much money Americans spend on various occasions like Valentines day, Mothers/Fathers Day compared to Christmas. I don't remember the exact number but Americans spend somewhere around 200 million dollars at Christmas while the other ones were 9-11 million.

In a generation when people are so self-centered and "me" focused we spend that much money on giving gifts to other people.

I love giving good things to my children and giving gifts to my friends, but I can't help but feel like Christmas has become some sort of competition and, even in my Christ-filled heart, I'm more concerned about the appearance of my gifts than the greatest gift that has ever been given. Merry Christmas.

God, forgive me for being so wrapped up in the things of this world again; for taking the beautiful gift of Christmas and distorting it the way I have. I surrender to you all that the world offers me and I take only what you give - the gift of you, and the promise that the gift brings. Thank you for loving me and for showing me grace, grace, grace...Amen.