A "Three-Peat" At Least

In my house, sporting events are rarely watched, listened to, or even followed; with the exception of NASCAR. As the race is beginning, the family gathers around the TV to hear the announcer say "Boogity, boogity, boogity - let's go racin' boys!" Then, we go about whatever it was we were doing; the kids go downstairs, and Clint and I settle in for...a nap! When I wake up I do a quick catch-up on what happened while I was asleep and hope that my driver didn't crash or get a flat tire and put him a lap behind. These past few years have been "good" years for me as a NASCAR fan. In 2002 (I'm almost certain it was 2002 but don't hold it against me if I'm wrong) a new driver entered the NEXTEL Cup (F.K.A. Winston Cup) line-up and I became a fan of his immediately; I even bought a cap with his number on it! This past year, "my" driver, Jimmie Johnson became the NEXTEL Cup Series Champion for the third year in a row! A "three-peat!"
A few years ago I found myself at a Dunamis Retreat which was taught through Presbyterian Reformed Ministries (www.prmi.org); together, my husband and I attended two teaching weekends a year. The focus of the teachings being on the Holy Spirit, with each weekend session focused on different aspects of the Holy Spirit and our responses; since there were 6 teachings, my husband and I also experienced our own sort-of "three-peat" in that it took us three years to complete the teachings.

One of the things that was clear to me early on in these teachings was that I had wounds, deep and hidden wounds, that Jesus wanted to heal. So a journey began; sometimes it was difficult but the outcome was always the same. I felt a burden lifted (given/surrendered to God) and I also felt like I had a better understanding of the "abundant life" that God wanted for me.

One topic that was discussed during one of the weekend teachings was the idea of generational sin; that sins (i.e. anger, sexual sins, complacency, etc) can be passed from one generation to the next. Right away, there were obvious ones and I confessed them and asked for God's protection for my children - that those sins didn't continue.

These past few days, God has been reminding me of another generational sin that has affected my family and me. I grew up in a family where emotions weren't talked about; there was not much affection shown; and compliments were not free-flowing. I also didn't feel like I was given much room to fail - and if I did, (which BELIEVE ME, I did) we didn't really talk about that either.

My grandma is still living; she's 87 years old. In all the years that I've been with her, I don't really remember grandma showing affection to me; in fact, I don't remember my grandma showing affection toward my mom (her daughter); and I don't recall a lot of affection from my mom to me. Will it be another "Three-peat" or is it already? Maybe there are several more generations of "history repeating itself" than I know about. I've also felt many times over the years that I have disappointed my grandma; and unfortunately, that sort of attitude has been passed to me from my parents as well. Even though I love my grandma and my parents (and I know the feeling is mutual) I feel as if I've been marked "failure" because of mistakes and choices I made when I was younger.

I don't want my children to ever wonder if they were ever good enough for me; I also don't want it to be awkward when I say "I love you" to my children. Every night my kids give me a good hug (kisses were out a couple of years ago...) and we tell each other "I love you." When I talk with the older kids on the phone or when we say good-bye in person, there is almost always a hug and an "I love you;" but I want more for my kids. I trust that my children will know that they were loved, but I wonder if they will have feelings like I have: that they never quite measured up to my standards.

Zechariah 10:6 says: "I will strengthen the house of Judah and save the house of Joseph. I will restore them because I have compassion on them."

Dear God, it's me. I know I've messed up; I know that I've sinned against you and my kids. Please have compassion on me forgive me. I pray God, that you will equip and empower me to break the generational ties that kept me from receiving your grace for so long. God, help me to love Ashley, Brandy, Chyanne, Amber, Taryn, Natasha, Morgan and Cole the way you love them - unconditionally! Empower me to show them as much grace as you've shown me. Thank you God, for being a redeeming God. Thank you for constantly pursuing me and showing me areas of my life that need your light - and mostly God, thank you for doing it in such a way that I don't feel like a failure. In Jesus' name.